i tried to post my post-nats feelings on the other blog, but.. words fail me. here's my valiant attempt:

i get to be post number 414! :) anyways, post-nats... hey yawl, .. i've got so so so many things to say to all of u and i'm kinda lost as to what i should start with. so i think i'll start off with an apology. i think i gave yawl a scare on fri with that breakdown during team talk. but that is the last time u will see me crying out of regret because i'm making a promise now, that I WILL BE BACK. i'm going to fight on. i'm rededicating my life to God, to canoeing, to the team, to everything and everyone that i hold dear. i have to admit i've let myself ...
i think if i had been with another group of people, i would have held it in, tried to pull myself together. but when i got home, and actually had some time to think about it, i realised that.. the reason why i dared to let myself go in front of u all is because i know that i can trust all
of u to pick me up. because i felt comfortable enough to finally stop pretending to have it all together all the time, to stop pretending to be strong.

i dunno. can u tell what's going thru my mind? i cant.
it's like a thousand and one feelings, regret, relief, frustration, dread.. and yet, nothing at once.

i think there's sth wrong with me right now. like there's this self-protecting mechanism that's turned itself on so that i wun go insane. now i really understand how it's possible to walk around with ur mind blank, just mindlessly doing all that ur expected to do.

i think i'm drained.

i just wanna thank God for pulling me thru this. i think i'm ok with how it turned out, will be very soon anyway. yknow, when i was out there for that final race, just rafting up with peishan and waiting for our race to start, i had this thought: God's knows the end result, He's got everything planned out, He knows what's going to happen, He knows what i'm going to feel. so i'm only there to carry out the actions, and whatever comes out of it is what God wanted me to experience and learn from. and in that case, why am i worrying? why am i shaking inside? i am not the one in control of the situation.. God is. does anyone get what i mean? but i guess the realisation came too late, i've already let myself be distracted, by the feeling of nervouseness at having to face nj (WHICH BTW IS A EFFING STUPID THING TO THINK RIGHT BEFORE UR OWN RACE. I CANT BLOODY BELIEVE MYSELF), by a million other trivial stuff. bottom line? i dint focus.

that was why i was so so so angry with myself when i came back on shore. the anger dint hit me when my race ended, i was too dazed and confused. the anger took a longer while. i basically wanted to just hit myself over and over again. because i had one chance to do shine for God and i blew it. once again because i dint put Him at the center of all things. because i was too wrapped around myself. THANK GOD FOR JAVINE, thanks for holding me up girl. <3. THANK GOD FOR THE J2s.. sarah, tracy, yogi, peishan.. i wont let you down. thanks for telling me it's ok, for reminding me that i have one more year to make it good, to make my comeback, and that the dream lives on in us..

DAMN STRAIGHT. I'M FIGHTING ON. I WILL BE BACK, JUST WATCH.

i just need this weekend to recover. thankfully i was never left alone, not even for a single minute since the end of my race, the canoobs will never understand how much it meant to me that they were there at the time when i was most vulnerable (hello? 2 breakdowns in one day is a personal record.). thank you hannah and elisa and van for that prayer in the toilet after i've called my mum. no surprises that she was the cause of my second breakdown. sometimes i dunno what she sees me as? i know she has great hopes for me to live out the life she dreams of, but that was way low, the way she threatened to pull my out from canoeing again. .. and she hasnt even seen my cts yet. joy.

anyways, i've been keeping myself so busy i feel really tired now. but busy means physically busy.. like going for post nats dinner and rubbishing around with my friends until i worked myself into a high even tho i basically wanted to just crash after h3 econs; like waking up at 6.30 this morning to go for some chinese seminar.. my minds still kinda blank tho. i dunno. it's like i'm stubbornly refusing to acknowledge my own feelings.

God. can i just leave it all to You now? let me go to sleep tonight and be able to sleep uninterrupted thruout. something i hadnt been able to do ever since june hols.

I'm DEAD BEAT.

I NEED TO RECHARGE BEFORE I'M BACK BEING GOD'S LITTLE FIGHTER, FULL FORCE.

We're getting stronger everyday,
We're getting braver in every way,
Hallelujah here we come.

We're getting stronger everyday,
Push through the rains that fall our way,
Hallelujah here we come.

We're much stronger when we're one,
Hallelujah here we come.

Oh, I love You from the depths of my heart,
And nothing here will tear us apart.
Everything's beautiful with You,
Everything's beautiful, when You invade my life.
And I'm living just to say that 'I love You'.

We're getting closer everyday,
Chasing the dreams that heaven gave,
Hallelujah here we come.

We're getting closer everyday,
Into Your arms I'm here to stay.

We're much stronger when we're one,

Hallelujah here we come.

go to, then; your considerate stone.
1:26 AM
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